A common reason people stay too long in unhealthy/dangerous relationships is being addicted to hope. When you desperately want to avoid separation, any sign of improvement brings relief and renewed hope for the relationship. Leaving a relationship is gut wrenching and mind numbing and understandably some days you will settle for any reason to avoid this type of pain and chaos.

Seeing your partner start putting in effort and trying to change can throw your plans to leave into confusion and causing you to feel guilt for planning to leave in the first place. Unfortunately, in abusive relationships, even when there is evidence of a change it is not likely to be sustained. Unless your partner experiences a profound personal revolution and displays observable positive changes accompanied by an apology, continue with your plans to get to safety. To accept ” trying” behaviour is often lowering your behavioural standard of a partner and remaining in the relationship will reward “trying” only, with little chance of your partner ever being motivated to behave in a manner acceptable to your emotional health and safety.

How would you respond if you asked your child to tidy their room and they replied saying “they would try”?

Most employers would not respond well if you gave the excuse that you “tried” after failing to complete a specific task or missing a dead line.

Yet, though most parents and employers would find that an unacceptable response from a child or employee, we accept “trying” in our relationships as if it were a valid explanation for poor/dangerous behaviour. Be aware of how your own need to find hope for your relationship affects how you interpret what is acceptable behaviour.

-Greg Gardiner