
Over the next few weeks I am going to talk about Domestic Violence. I don't really want to talk about domestic violence, but I will. D.V. has been a big problem in the community since forever. Even though this topic has recently received larger media attention it is an old problem. And the reason I am wading into this topic to offer my humble observations and insights now is because of the escalation in Domestic Violence that has occurred during the virus shutdown. I understand that combined with poor coping skills, multiple additional stresses, increases in alcohol consumption and uncertainties about the future, some couples have struggled remain polite and kind to each other.
So after hearing of policing reports about violence escalations in some suburbs I want to offer you some ideas and insights I have learned from people over the decades about what can make something so potentially good to become so incredibly dangerous and destructive. So in the next few weeks I am going to outline what a healthy marriage can look like and what underpins it. I want to clarify what D.V. and what being relationally abusive looks like.
The reason I want to clarify these matters is because even though every weekend world wide tens of thousands of people line up to get married, I find that in this remarkably educated world, that most people remain largely confused about what equates to domestic violence. And that most people are remarkably vague about what makes relationships work and the purpose of marriage .... so lets get underway and I will be interested to hear your feedback on this very popular experience of DV.
Qu: What is your experience of feeling unsafe in a relationship?

I am talking about Domestic Violence, but let me explain my reluctance to writing about or discussing Domestic Violence. Working in the community as a psychologist I am exposed to information about what is really happening in the suburbs. And some of the things you learn can be very disturbing. Domestic Violence is just one of the common community topics that really affects me, and even though I am a mental health professional, I can still find it distressing. When I learn of people (children, men, women) living in unnecessarily terrifying environments, where being afraid of a parent or partner is normal, I can become alarmed. I may be able to manage the strength of my emotion but I remain sensitive to peoples pain.
And unfortunately most of what I will share with you in this discussion originates from working with far too many people through the despair of love gone wrong. Too many people live in homes where they have learned to walking on "Egg Shells". If your nodding your head when I mention egg shells, or even the fact that you even know what that means, you really need to stay tuned to what I will share in the coming weeks about D.V. Because if you grew up in an environment or currently live an environment where you learned what it is to walk on egg shells, you will find this discussion very helpful. Because if you grew up with it its likely you may have found yourself in a similar relationship where you have buddied up with someone who wields excessive power and control over you. Where you have ended up in a relationship where your partner is more nasty than nice. Where you tolerate their coercive power over you, where you only stay because of the kids, and they are a good parent even though its not safe for you...........
Qu: What is your experience of feeling afraid and walking on eggshells?

UNDERSTANDING ABUSE
Many people are still not clear about what abuse is. Having a good understanding of abuse is important particularly if your partner’s behaviour is starting to worry you. Definition: Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviour used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation.
Please read the following list of abuse types carefully.
Verbal – yelling, insulting, threatening or swearing at you
Rejection – pretending or failing to not notice your presence or value
Put downs – name calling, public embarrassment, calling you stupid or being blamed for everything
Being Afraid – purposefully causing you to feel afraid, intimidated or threatened
Isolation – limiting your freedom or movement, stopping you from contacting other people (like family or friends).
Money – controlling your money, withholding money, preventing you from working, stealing or taking your money.
Bullying – purposely or repeatedly saying of doing hurtful things
Physical Abuse – touching, pushing or causing physical contact or harm with any part of your body in an obstructive or aggressive manner.
This may not be an exhaustive list but I wanted to include the specifics of what abuse is, because the chaos of an abusive relationship can confuse and blur the behavioural lines and leave you feeling it’s your fault and that you deserve the abuse anyway. Violent and controlling behaviours can sneak into relationships so slowly you don’t realize how bad it has become. Or you may have grown up in a manipulative family environment where emotional and physical aggression was normal.
However, whether violence emerged slowly or whether violence is normal to you, it is not okay. The ongoing trauma of aggressive or psychologically and emotionally controlling relationships can affect multiple generations.
Disagreement Vs Abuse: Having relational conflicts from time to time does not mean that you are experiencing DV. It is normal that couples will have disagreements and we all need to get better at disagreeing with each other. Can you disagree with someone without getting aggressive, vindictive or defensive. Do yourself a favour and learn how to disagree respectfully without having to make personally attacking and belittling comments to your partner. However if you are having big arguments and bitter (verbal accusations and threats and threatening behaviours) conflicts regularly (every week or two) where you were either attacked or were the attacker, then that's too hard, and not really marriage but dependency.
Don’t be afraid to contact a Domestic Violence Service near you to learn more and clarification your situation and access vital support as these organisations exist to help you through this type of situation. In Australia call 1800737732