It is important to understand the difference between real repentance OR remorse when making decisions about the future of a relationship. Abusive people control others in various ways. Victims live in fear of their partners unpredictable angry outbursts which often is influenced by alcohol.

Remorse occurs as a result of a very selfish focus that is more concerned about being released from the intense feelings of self condemnation than really caring about the people they have mistreated.

When an abuser feels that they have gone too far with volatile/dangerous behaviour they can feel intensely bad. This feeling of badness and regret can create very strong self condemnation and shame. Whilst feeling bad the first impulse is to reduce self condemnation by being remorseful, offering extensive apologies or promises that it will never happen again.

But even with copious promises to change that it will never happen again the change is only temporary. And the next time they go too far with controlling or aggressive behaviour the same cycle of remorse is repeated with no actual permanent change in behaviour or attitude over time. This cycle will be magnified when alcohol is involved, escalating abusive or threatening and dangerous behaviour. People in an abusive relationship can spend much of their life tiptoeing around the emotions of their abusive partner.

Repentance is different to remorse. When your partner is repentant for their poor or emotionally dangerous behaviour there will be an apology and a general sustained change in behaviour.

Repentance is possible for those who can be empathically caring for the needs of another and genuinely see that they have caused harm. Repentance involves admitting and taking responsibility for the poor behaviour which is accompanied by a request to be forgiven and behavioural change. Repentance occurs in the process of self reflection and self evaluation that causes the cessation of a behaviour that is personally and relationally unhelpful.

The key identifier is that if changes does not last and you continue to live in fear it is more likely to be remorse than repentance. While you are addicted to hope in the promise of change, the promise to change is a manipulation to control a partner from leaving an abusive relationship.

-Greg Gardiner

Another common reason that causes people to stay too long in an unhealthy relationship is theology. Many people are religious and stay far too long in an unhealthy relationships because their theology of divorce says that to divorce is to sin.

 

 

Religious views can be very rigid and dangerous. Imposing religious ideals on someone who is in a less than ideal situation can be additionally abusive. Unfortunately there is often more value placed on the religious ritual of marriage than the two people suffering in it.

"I have met individuals who were not motivated to behave lovingly in their marriage because they knew their partner wouldn’t leave them because of their religious convictions."

After realising many people are hopelessly trapped in marriages they are afraid to leave I made a point of researching Biblical writings on this topic to clarify what was actually recorded and was surprised by what I found.

The first thing I read in Malachi 2:16 was that G-d hates divorce. Wow, that is an overpowering confronting statement. That concrete statement felt like the end of the entire discussion. But then I became curious about why G-D would have been recorded making such a strong statement. To my surprise, after reading verses life Jeremiah 3:8 I realised G-d is a divorcee. I was shocked to realise that G-d divorced the people of Israel because they were not faithful to him. And so, just like everyone else who has ever been through a relationship breakdown, G-d hates divorce.

However, I also found in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 the details of what were appropriate circumstances that would warrant giving someone a certificate of divorce. I don’t want to get into countless details about this subject but I want to offer you a source of information that could ease your suffering. The law given to Moses evidently recognised that life is not always ideal and that relationships don’t always work-out ideally and therefore it was important to include details on when and how to dissolve a relationships if required.

I encourage you to research this topic for yourself to arrive at a mature approach to this matter. Often our first exposure to religious ideals was in childhood and refreshing your understanding from an adult perspective can be very helpful. You may find your new perspective will release you to move toward more self respect and less suffering. -Greg Gardiner

W-hat is anger management?

Anger management is about understanding your anger and why it happens.

Specifically, anger management is about knowing the triggers and early warning signs of anger, and learning techniques to quiet your lifestyle and manage the situation before it gets out of control. -APS

 

W-hy manage Anger?

Anger is not usually a good solution to problems, even if it seems helpful in the short term.

People with poor anger management can experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, psychosomatic illnesses and problems with alcohol or drugs. It is important, to manage your anger before it manages you.

 

Researchers have now found that ‘letting it rip' actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to resolve the situation. On the other hand, sitting on your anger and not expressing it may lead to the pressure cooker experience that many people are familiar with.

Expressing some feelings of anger in a controlled way, rather than bottling it up, gives you an opportunity to release some of your underlying feelings, so that you can start to tackle the issues that are making you angry.

 

W-ho needs it?

People struggling with anger issues range from children and adolescents to adults. Common presenting issues include:

• Conflict, unresolved arguments and communication breakdowns within relationships and families
• Emotional and behavioural issues in children and adolescents
• Work-related disputes and concerns
• Domestic violence perpetrators
• Domestic violence victims
• Public violence such as road rage and assaults
• One-off incidents, as well as entrenched patterns of behaviour
• Anger problems associated with drug or alcohol use

Anger management issues rarely occur in isolation. Depression, anxiety, substance use and stress often accompany struggles with anger.

Consider the cost of your aggressive display and its impact on other people. Did you jeopardise your job? Have relationships been damaged? Have you hurt people? If you know your anger often has destructive consequences then it is a problem. If, with all your best intentions, you still get uncontrollably angry and it feels as if it is poisoning you and puts people you care about at risk, do something about it.

 

A common reason people stay too long in unhealthy/dangerous relationships is being addicted to hope. When you desperately want to avoid separation, any sign of improvement brings relief and renewed hope for the relationship. Leaving a relationship is gut wrenching and mind numbing and understandably some days you will settle for any reason to avoid this type of pain and chaos.

Seeing your partner start putting in effort and trying to change can throw your plans to leave into confusion and causing you to feel guilt for planning to leave in the first place. Unfortunately, in abusive relationships, even when there is evidence of a change it is not likely to be sustained. Unless your partner experiences a profound personal revolution and displays observable positive changes accompanied by an apology, continue with your plans to get to safety. To accept ” trying” behaviour is often lowering your behavioural standard of a partner and remaining in the relationship will reward “trying” only, with little chance of your partner ever being motivated to behave in a manner acceptable to your emotional health and safety.

How would you respond if you asked your child to tidy their room and they replied saying “they would try”?

Most employers would not respond well if you gave the excuse that you “tried” after failing to complete a specific task or missing a dead line.

Yet, though most parents and employers would find that an unacceptable response from a child or employee, we accept “trying” in our relationships as if it were a valid explanation for poor/dangerous behaviour. Be aware of how your own need to find hope for your relationship affects how you interpret what is acceptable behaviour.

-Greg Gardiner

Many people still don’t know what equates to abuse. Having a good understanding of what abuse is important particularly if your partner’s behaviour is now making you afraid. Definition: Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviour used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation.

Take note of the following types of abuse.

Verbal – yelling, insulting, threatening or swearing at you

Rejection – pretending or failing to notice your presence or value

Put downs – name calling, public embarrassment, calling you stupid or being blamed for everything

Being Afraid – intimidating or threatening, purposefully causing you to feel afraid.

Isolation – limiting your freedom or movement, stopping you from contacting other people (like family or friends).

Money – controlling your money, withholding money, preventing you from working, stealing or taking your money.

Bullying – purposely or repeatedly saying or doing hurtful things

Physical Abuse – pushing, physical contact or harm with any part of your body in an obstructive or aggressive manner.

This may not be an exhaustive list but I wanted to include the specifics of what abuse is because the chaos of an abusive relationship can confuse and blur the behavioural lines and leave you feeling it’s your fault and you deserve the abuse anyway.

Violent and controlling behaviours can sneak into relationships so slowly you don’t realise how bad it has become. Or you may have grown up in a manipulative family environment where emotional and physical aggression was normal.

However, whether it happened slowly or whether violence is normal to you, it is not okay. The ongoing trauma of aggressive or psychologically and emotionally controlling relationships affect multiple generations because people stay too long leaving a vastly negative effect on children’s mental health. Don’t be afraid to contact a Domestic Violence Service near you for clarification and vital support because they have experience and exist to help you through this type of matter.

-Greg Gardiner

Going Mad? If you are in a relationship where you feel you are frustrated, unfulfilled or crazy, this reading might be helpful.

Life and love with Asperger’s – Adam (2009, film)

Adam's mother died when he was eight. He had the great fortune of having a loving and supportive father until he too died leaving this 20-something with Asperger's Syndrome alone in life.

As each case of Aspergers is unique and not everyone experiences the same combination of symptoms, below is a basic checklist from LoveToKnow.COM.

Social Interaction Difficulties

A person with Aspergers may have difficulty with the following aspects of social interaction:

• General social skills: She wants to socialize with others but does not understand how to interact.
• Relating to others: She does not understand other's emotions or social responses accurately in a group situation. She may not understand if an activity or conversation is boring or upsetting to another person.
• Difficulty playing with others: She may not understand how to initiate play with her peers or how to play by common social rules. For example, she may take a ball from a group of children playing a game without asking to join the game first. She will not return the ball if they ask for the ball back.
• Problems with two-way conversation: She has trouble with initiating and maintaining a two-way conversation. She may appear to talk at someone than with him. Conversation topics may focus on an obsessive interest. She speaks inappropriately such as talking too loudly or softly.
• Inability to understand common social cues: She may not comprehend common social cues such as facial expressions, body language or gestures.
• Rigid range of interests for social interaction: She will only engage in a narrow range of activities or talk about certain subjects.
• Inappropriate responses: She may behave or respond to social situations in an unusual or inappropriate manner. For example, an affected person may laugh at something sad.

Communication Problems

An affected person experiences a number of communication difficulties. Communication problems can include the following symptoms:

• Eye contact: He may not make eye contact.
• Unusual gestures: He might make unusual or inappropriate gestures during conversation.
• Facial expression: Facial expressions are either absent or inappropriate to the conversation or situation. He may have facial tics.
• Personal space issues: He might stand too close to a person during conversation.
• Monotone speech: He may speak in a monotone voice, without expression or emotion.
• Easily distracted: He has trouble concentrating his attention on people and objects that are not connected with his favorite subjects.

Language Skill Challenges

A person with Aspergers generally has a large vocabulary but experiences problems with language processing. Problems with social communication may include:

• Trouble with language use: She has trouble using language appropriately in social situations. She may also misunderstand common word meanings.
• Unusual use of words: She may use words in an unusual way or create her own words.
• Language rituals: She might have certain word scripts that she repeats ritualistically in conversation with others.
• Difficulty processing language: She does not always understand the verbal speech or misunderstands the meaning of a conversation. She may have trouble making a decision or answering a question.
• Literal interpretation of words: She interprets most language on a literal level and misses abstract meanings.

Cognitive and Motor Skill Impairments

Cognitive and motor skill problems are also common in Aspergers. Typical cognitive and motor skill issues include:

• Mindblindness: He has mindblindness, meaning he cannot determine what others are thinking and feeling in social situations or in relationships.
• Problem-solving issues: He has trouble figuring out how to solve problems outside of his routine.
• Organizational skills difficulties: He experiences difficulty with planning, implementing and completing tasks.
• Difficulty with imaginative play: He does not engage in imaginative play as a child.
• Learns best visually: He has trouble learning without visual aids.
• Problems with coordination: He may have problems with both fine and gross motor skills. Common examples of motor skill difficulty include bike riding, handwriting and playing ball games.

Limited Interests and Unusual Behavior

An affected person often has a limited range of interest and may exhibit bizarre behavior. Interests and behavior may include:

• Strict schedule: She prefers a rigid schedule and experiences anxiety when the schedule is interrupted.
• Narrow range of interests and obsessions: She is intensely interested in a small number of activities and subjects and refuses to engage in other activities.
• Self-stimulatory behavior: She may engage in "stimming" behavior such as hand flapping, rocking back and forth or twirling.

Sensory Input Issues

Many people with Aspergers have sensory difficulties and may have unusual reactions to certain sights, smells, sounds or tastes. Sensory problems include:

• Odors: He may react strongly to certain smells.
• Sounds: He might be hypersensitive to different sounds.
• Touch: He may not want to be touched.
• Limited food choices: He may choose and reject foods based upon smell or texture.

"This love story begins with Beth, a writer of children's books working as a schoolteacher, whose heart has been wounded but not broken, moves into Adam’s building. She is drawn to Adam's innocence and honesty: He declares we (referring to people with Asperger's) don't lack imagination, we are just really honest. She is smitten by the wonder he can feel which brings simple joy and awe into her life. But she also has to contend with what has been called "mind blindness": when people with this disorder think that others think the same thing they do. That might be fine when shopping for clothing but it can wreck havoc with friendship, intimacy and sex."

– Llod I. Sederer, MD (Psychiatrist)-

Printable Version of Aspergers Checklist